The Joker is right. The world needs a better class of criminal. I'm hopeful that the dicks of WoW will let there be antagonists to their precious protagonists someday.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I know Conrad.
Rhi + Conrad + Jaki = Love.
Fall into the WRRRYYYYYNUS FLY TRAP! Imma tell you guys some stories!
I miss and love you.
Life isn't over yet.
There are times when I feel talentless, unattractive. The days in which I am most sick and most tired are the days that I strive to fight harder, typically. I was recently in the Intensive Care Unit for three days. With a latex catheter that I was allergic to in place, my sugars were being lowered but my comfort level was non-existent. I had a horrible headache, both in ICU and the floor. Even with my laptop to distract me, there was little I could do to ease my discomfort. So I went home with the promise to eat better, work harder.
I have been working very hard on shoes. What I do is the following: I am too ill to work and any job that I apply to will not see to the conditions I need in order to work if I tried. (I am in kidney and heart failure, so standing is out of the question for long periods of time - which makes me defensive because people automatically assume I am lazy because I'm fat. I'm fat because my body is retaining shitloads of fluid. I can't stand because my legs swell with the same fluid that your healthy body can get rid of. Stop judging me.) Most places of employment will not let you use FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) until after one year of employment. That means if I miss a week at a time being hospitalized each month, I will lose my job.
I work from home, making shoes. The shoes that I make I sell for $65. It takes me all day to make them, but I work really hard on them. Since I got out of ICU, I haven't had a day off, really. I gave myself one today. I woke up not feeling well and the rest was very much needed. I hope it is enough to recharge me.
I've been very lucky that there are people who have ordered shoes from me. Sometimes I feel kind of like a jackass, chasing down people with more celebrity than me to talk about my shoes. To try and promote them to get more orders in. A very good friend of mine, Conrad, posted about the shoes on a popular web comic and I got nearly 20 orders. It was amazing. However, when those orders are done I will be back to begging and panhandling again. My best friend and her husband take care of me. They make sure to food and water me, they're extraordinary people. I just want to be able to show my thanks my taking off some of the financial burden that I undoubtedly cause.
With my kidneys steadily declining, I know dialysis is on the horizon and eventually a transplant. I'm not even thirty years old. I know that I'm not the first younger patient to go through this, not by a long shot. The combination of heart failure and brittle diabetes is what makes me so nervous. So, I get a new kidney. Then my blood sugar destroys it. Eventually, I'll stop getting them. I'll be too high risk and then I'll die. Will I die early, like my father who didn't even make it to fifty-five? It's something that I probably think about too often, trying to prepare myself.
We all die. That is something that we're all promised. There are days when I'm in a lot of pain. But all the good days comprise something wonderful - this life is great and beautiful. I really believe that. We live in a place where we can express emotions, create beautiful things and be happy. Not all of us do that - I live in a place where I'm quite fearful in public, in the bad parts of town. Just the other day some hood rats budged in front of me at KMart and called me ugly when I walked away to give them space.
I thought about it a lot. I feel ugly, a lot of the time. I'm very single and I'm very bad at dating. I prefer women, but it's impossible to find another girl that isn't full of bullshit and drama. One that can sit quietly and enjoy my company without having me 'all to herself'. I'm not particularly romantic and I suck when it comes to sex, to be honest. There are a lot of things I just can't get into for whatever reason. Loving someone, being with someone, I can do that. But I'm more like a boy in my execution of relationships. I'd like to make sex about fun and causal shit and not base a relationship on how often I do it. I want to sit and write, to draw, to create things without someone begging me to do it FOR them.
I've given up my entire everything more than once for another person. I've sacrificed so much for relationships. I'm done with that shit. For as ugly as I feel, I don't feel unloved. There's a difference between being in love and having love. I have love. My best friend and I are two peas in the same gender confused little pod of creativity. It's the kind of love that I'll always have, knowing we're gonna be old and look back on our lives together and feel content about it. I would like, however, to be in love. I'm almost 30. I'm one of 'those people' that society labels as a romantic failure. I guess that's okay. I've never really been keen on the public opinion.
I'll keep making shoes until the orders run dry. I'll keep fighting hospital staff when they habitually fuck up every single stay that I have each month. (This time it was a latex catheter that I was allergic to and a blown IV they wouldn't take out. Last time they unhooked me from my IV for over 9 hours, which made me being there fucking pointless. It goes on and on.) I'm going to keep hoping and keep working and dream that I'll be something bigger than this someday.
I always felt like I should have been "something" in life. Something other than Rhi. Something that inspired people, or something I did that people respected or thought was talented or unique. Maybe someday. Or maybe not.
I have been working very hard on shoes. What I do is the following: I am too ill to work and any job that I apply to will not see to the conditions I need in order to work if I tried. (I am in kidney and heart failure, so standing is out of the question for long periods of time - which makes me defensive because people automatically assume I am lazy because I'm fat. I'm fat because my body is retaining shitloads of fluid. I can't stand because my legs swell with the same fluid that your healthy body can get rid of. Stop judging me.) Most places of employment will not let you use FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) until after one year of employment. That means if I miss a week at a time being hospitalized each month, I will lose my job.
I work from home, making shoes. The shoes that I make I sell for $65. It takes me all day to make them, but I work really hard on them. Since I got out of ICU, I haven't had a day off, really. I gave myself one today. I woke up not feeling well and the rest was very much needed. I hope it is enough to recharge me.
I've been very lucky that there are people who have ordered shoes from me. Sometimes I feel kind of like a jackass, chasing down people with more celebrity than me to talk about my shoes. To try and promote them to get more orders in. A very good friend of mine, Conrad, posted about the shoes on a popular web comic and I got nearly 20 orders. It was amazing. However, when those orders are done I will be back to begging and panhandling again. My best friend and her husband take care of me. They make sure to food and water me, they're extraordinary people. I just want to be able to show my thanks my taking off some of the financial burden that I undoubtedly cause.
With my kidneys steadily declining, I know dialysis is on the horizon and eventually a transplant. I'm not even thirty years old. I know that I'm not the first younger patient to go through this, not by a long shot. The combination of heart failure and brittle diabetes is what makes me so nervous. So, I get a new kidney. Then my blood sugar destroys it. Eventually, I'll stop getting them. I'll be too high risk and then I'll die. Will I die early, like my father who didn't even make it to fifty-five? It's something that I probably think about too often, trying to prepare myself.
We all die. That is something that we're all promised. There are days when I'm in a lot of pain. But all the good days comprise something wonderful - this life is great and beautiful. I really believe that. We live in a place where we can express emotions, create beautiful things and be happy. Not all of us do that - I live in a place where I'm quite fearful in public, in the bad parts of town. Just the other day some hood rats budged in front of me at KMart and called me ugly when I walked away to give them space.
I thought about it a lot. I feel ugly, a lot of the time. I'm very single and I'm very bad at dating. I prefer women, but it's impossible to find another girl that isn't full of bullshit and drama. One that can sit quietly and enjoy my company without having me 'all to herself'. I'm not particularly romantic and I suck when it comes to sex, to be honest. There are a lot of things I just can't get into for whatever reason. Loving someone, being with someone, I can do that. But I'm more like a boy in my execution of relationships. I'd like to make sex about fun and causal shit and not base a relationship on how often I do it. I want to sit and write, to draw, to create things without someone begging me to do it FOR them.
I've given up my entire everything more than once for another person. I've sacrificed so much for relationships. I'm done with that shit. For as ugly as I feel, I don't feel unloved. There's a difference between being in love and having love. I have love. My best friend and I are two peas in the same gender confused little pod of creativity. It's the kind of love that I'll always have, knowing we're gonna be old and look back on our lives together and feel content about it. I would like, however, to be in love. I'm almost 30. I'm one of 'those people' that society labels as a romantic failure. I guess that's okay. I've never really been keen on the public opinion.
I'll keep making shoes until the orders run dry. I'll keep fighting hospital staff when they habitually fuck up every single stay that I have each month. (This time it was a latex catheter that I was allergic to and a blown IV they wouldn't take out. Last time they unhooked me from my IV for over 9 hours, which made me being there fucking pointless. It goes on and on.) I'm going to keep hoping and keep working and dream that I'll be something bigger than this someday.
I always felt like I should have been "something" in life. Something other than Rhi. Something that inspired people, or something I did that people respected or thought was talented or unique. Maybe someday. Or maybe not.
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